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January 2010

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Kiss of Death - 9th chapter - The Speed of Pain

I really need a vacation! School keeps me busy these days - and joy, how stressful they are...

NOTICE: Hellsing and it's characters DO NOT belong to me!


Alucard left me in front of my room, I'm pretty sure he mentioned Integra having a mission for him so I believe he will come back to me sooner or later - I beg you, let me naïvly believe - and so I need to find something interesting to do until then - but what? Seras surely went with Alucard, Integra is busy and so what was left to do? Hmmmmmmm…


I believe Walter mentioned a library somewhere on the third floor but where exactly… If I'll get lost who knows for how long. Ahhh, who cares? That will busy me itself for long enough. If I really get lost I can always go back to Alucard's chamber and wait there for him to return from a hunt. It sounds so strange… A vampire being a vampire hunter - hunting his own kind, doesn't it sicken him? But in the end he's a servant to the Hellsing organization and what Integra says is like a Holly Bible… Such a sad tragic story. I wonder, can he sleep peacefully? Aren't faces of those he killed coming back to him? How many friends died before he? Or was he always so lonely? Or was there someone before me?


I had to ponder over that - he may look young but I know he's not - and I just can't imagine him being lonely all this time, anyone'd go mad - and I know he is not what most people would call sane - but admitting that I'm not the first who dared to try to reach his heart, or even that someone actually could take a hold of that by now ice cold heart - no… That can't be true, it's not possible. I grasp the material of my shirt as if that could help my aching heart.


I look around my surroundings and realize I'm already in the library - Lucifer, am I mad or just sleepwalking? My eyes catch a glimpse of gold. "What are you doing here?" Integra turns to me, a cigarette hanging from her mouth. "The same I could ask you." How can she even speak with that between her lips, I can only wonder. "Well, seeing as there ain't anything better to do I figured I could read for now. And now your reason." I send her way a smile. "Waiting for Alucard to come back and give me a proper report." So it was a mission. I wonder if his life really is as stereotypical as it seems to me and if yes, doesn't he ever get bored of it? "Did Seras go with him?" A nod, that's all but probably better then nothing, right? I believe I should stop making questions, I want to know way too many things. "Do you have any literature like… I don't know, Poe?" Poe is awesome, I will never get bored of him and his books. I wonder if Alucard ever read him, and if yes, if he liked him. God, is there a moment when I'm not thinking about you? Please, come back soon… "Somewhere in the back there should be some really old books of his - but be careful with them, like I said - they're really old."


I nodded and run in the direction she pointed to, but it took me some time to find the mentioned books - the book-shelfs were abnormally long and stood high - that makes me wonder - why I am so short again?? And even when I finally found them I couldn't reach, my fingers weren't even close to it and I didn't dare to go up the shelfs - knowing me and my luck… - and so I gave up.


"Oh God…" I murmured into the air never believing that someone would reply. ''You called?'' It sounded playfully, almost teasingly and I could do nothing but shiver. "Welcome home." I smiled and turned to face the vampire - my blood turned cold when I saw him - his eyes shining like never before with bloodlust and that smile, that damned smile, as if a devil was smiling, I then noticed he was shaking - not much but still. "Alucard?" My voice came as a whisper. "What happened?" I never understood how could I ever stand in front of danger so carelessly, as if it was nothing harmful, this danger.


My legs took me forward and my hands tried to reach him but the creature was faster - he took a hold of my body, forcing it against his. God, you can't imagine how much will power it took me not to scream when you bit me so carelessly. But I couldn't stop the tears, there was just not a way to stop them from falling. And you, you sucked my power - that little bit of power I ever had - I couldn't even stand but you didn't mind, you didn't care, did you? The two of us ended up on the cold floor, the prey and the hunter, the prayer and the God. Hell and Heaven were mixed into this sensation I was feeling. "I love you." I wish it came from his mouth, but it didn't, it was I who said it. Alucard stopped - is paradise gone? - and bit again. The tears started falling again - I was ignored - did that mean I wasn't loved back? Love is such a sadist, I realized this too late - I already felt in it's trap and my life is now in danger! I wrapped my arms around Alucard's neck - God, I won't let go of you so easily - and hid my face, my tears in his raven hair.

All I ever wanted was your love – I don't want your power, immortality or anything like that. I don't want you to be my servant or a slave, all I ever wanted was you and me to be lovers. A vampire and a human, standing side by side holding hands for as long as faith lets us. Do I want much? Am I thinking selfishly again? Then please, forgive me, but I can't stop loving you. And I wish that maybe, maybe one day you will see me in a different light and will hold me for different reasons. I don't care that others call you a monster or a demon I love you the same – no mater what you do or say I won't stop loving you, so please, please – love me the same way as I do you, even if I am just a human – weak and porcelain-like, easily broken. Please, love me.